Wednesday, November 01, 2006

COFFEE SNOB

MY SON IN LAW, KEITH, IS A COFFEE SNOB. HE HAS EARNED THIS POSITION HONESTLY WHILE WORKING AT STARBUCKS.
HE IS NOW COFFEE MASTER WHICH MEANS HE CAN IDENTIFY THE MYRIADS OF COFFEES THEY OFFER AND TELL YOU WHERE THEY WERE GROWN, WHETHER ACIDIC OR ALKALINE, AND BREW YOU A PERFECT CUP OF COFFEE.
CONGRATULATIONS, KEITH...ATTA BOY!
BUT HOW DO I KNOW HE'S A COFFEE SNOB?
WELL, HE FITS THE DESCRIPTION:
FIRST HE BREWS HIS COFFEE TO PERFECTION.. THEN HE WILL POUR IT AND CUP HIS HAND OVER THE TOP TO WAFT IN THE SCENT... AT THIS POINT HE WILL SIGH AND SAY "AAHHHH..PERFECT!"
THEN HE'LL TAKE A MOUTHFUL, SWISH IT AROUND AND SWALLOW.
AT THIS POINT HE WILL SAY.." GREAT CROP OF COFFEE BEANS THIS YEAR FROM BAMBOZILIA.. ROBUST WITH JUST A HINT OF LEMON".
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO SPOT A COFFEE SNOB:
*IF YOU INVITE HIM TO YOUR HOUSE FOR COFFEE, HE WILL BRING HIS OWN SPECIAL BLEND..
*IF YOU ASK HIM HOW HE LIKES HIS COFFEE HE WILL REPLY " RISTRETTO MACCHIATO" OR SOME OTHER LANGUAGE NO ONE BUT A COFFEE MASTER COULD UNDERSTAND.
*HIS WORST FEAR ABOUT HURRICANE SEASON IS NOT THE DEATH TOLL, BUT HOW IT HAS AFFECTED THE COFFEE HARVEST.
*HE WON'T MAKE LONG TRIPS TO VISIT FRIENDS BECAUSE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE , BUT HE'D DRIVE ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE UNITED STATES TO BUY A ROASTER IF HE COULD.
*HE SPEAKS OF CONVERTING THEIR BEDROOM INTO A CLIMATE CONTROLLED BEAN STORAGE FACILITY.
*HIS 'FRENCH PRESS' IS WORTH MORE THAN HIS CAR.
*HE ASKS FOR A TASTE OF HIS COFFEE BEFORE BUYING IT, BUT SENDS IT BACK BECAUSE IT IS NOT TO HIS LIKING.
TO OFFEND A COFFEE SNOB, ONE COULD:
OFFER HIM FLAVORED COFFEES HEAPED WITH ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER AND NON DAIRY COFFEE CREAMER.. OR JUST TELL HIM "I LIKE MINE WEAK''..

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK KEITH !!


3 comments:

Jthemilker said...

The coffee snob strikes back:

1. Acidic is a taste descriptor not pH (acidic vs. alkaline)

2. "Robust Coffee with just a hint of lemon" is Ethiopian not Bambozilian. Where is Bambozilia anyway? Must not be a coffee region.

3. Ristretto Machiatto is a style of making espresso which among coffee snobs is not considered as tasting coffee even tho espresso is a coffee

4. We fear typhoons over hurricanes since everyone knows the best coffees come from Indonesia not Latin America

5. My last 1/2 pound of coffee was worth more than my car. The french press is worth more than our house

6. It does not even need to be non-dairy creamer. If coffee was meant to be cut with anything dairy, cows would grow on the coffee trees. Sugar on the other hand, can grow in coffee regions and is therefore permitted for "experimenting with the flavors." Flavored coffee, in fact, ruins brewing equipment as well as coffee grinders.

Wendy said...

Congratulations Coffee Snob!!!

Jemit said...

I REST MY CASE..... AHEM.